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How to Set Boundaries

What to say, what to do when they push back, and why it feels so hard.

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The Basic Idea

A Boundary Is About What You Will Do

A boundary is not a demand that someone else change. "You cannot talk to me like that" is a request, and they can ignore it. "If you keep yelling, I am going to hang up, and we can talk tomorrow" is a boundary, since it describes what you will do.

That distinction can make your intention clearer. Consider your circumstances and safety when deciding how to respond.

A Simple Script

How to Say It

Say What Is Happening
"When you call me during work..."
Say What You Will Do
"...I am not going to pick up. I will call you after six."
Follow Through
This can be the hard part. Consider a brief, calm response when it is safe, and seek support if the situation escalates.

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If You Are a People Pleaser

Your yes is automatic, so wait before you answer
Say "let me check and get back to you"
Expect guilt, which does not mean you did something wrong
Start with someone safe and something small

What to Expect When You Start

People may respond in different ways when a familiar pattern changes. You can plan a response that fits your circumstances, with support when needed. Your safety matters more than following a script.

When Boundaries Are Not Safe

If someone may hurt you for setting a limit, that is a safety issue. Talk with a professional before you try. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800-799-7233.

Common Questions

Are boundaries selfish?

No. They make it possible to stay in relationships without resentment.

Does the Bible say I should not have boundaries?

Many Christians wrestle with this. Luke 5:16 says, "he withdrew himself into the wilderness, and prayed" (KJV). For those who want to talk it through, Tatiana can.

Healthy Relationships & Healthy Communication Group

Skills for communication, boundaries, emotional awareness, and positive self talk.

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Relationship Problems

When it is the same argument again, with a different pile of dishes.

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Family Conflict

The people who know exactly how to set you off.

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Practice Where It Is Safe

The Healthy Relationships & Healthy Communication group is forming so you can rehearse before the real thing. Call or text to join the waitlist.

Call 916-204-1447

General inquiries only. Please do not send private health information by text.